Ducks have a calm demeanor on the surface of the water, but underneath their legs are churning like crazy to keep from drowning.
To anyone on the outside, Johnson & Wales University student-athlete Zach Turner was ready to have a successful junior season for the men's volleyball team in 2019. In reality, he was battling depression and anxiety while trying to keep everything afloat.
Like most kids, Turner played nearly every sport he could from baseball and basketball to football and soccer. His freshman year of high school he tried out for the baseball team, but when he didn't make the cut he turned to volleyball.
Volleyball was the unofficial Turner family sport as both his sister Marissa and father Peter both played. Marissa was an all-conference player at Becker College. Skeptical about volleyball at first, once Turner started to play and saw improvement he really enjoyed the sport.
Even though he was a successful prep player at Coventry High School as a two-time All-State selection, Turner hadn't given much thought to going to college. Prior to a visit to one of his games by JWU assistant coach Brian Garrepy, Turner planned on following his father's footsteps by enlisting in the US Army as a helicopter mechanic.
Garrepy, the girls' volleyball coach at North Kingstown High School, texted Turner after one of his high school games, but Turner dismissed it. He knew JWU was serious when head coach Scott Reslow followed up and came to Turner's next game.
"I got to meet some of the guys and we hung out after the game until I went home," Turner noted. "They guys were the ones that convinced me to come to JWU. It was great to meet some of them ahead of time."
Late in his senior year, Turner made a pair of visits to the JWU campus as well as to Rivier University where his fellow Coventry teammate Cam Roth was attending. Ultimately, Johnson & Wales won out and Turner joined the team in the fall of 2016.
An injury thrust Turner into the starting line-up his rookie year. The 6-foot-8 middle blocker started 31 of the 32 matches and was named Great Northeast Athletic Conference Rookie of the Week on February 21.
"I wasn't expecting to start my freshmen year, but I had an opportunity to step up," Turner said. "After playing more my freshman year than I expected I was ready for my sophomore season and it was a lot of fun."
On the court, year two was even better as he earned Third-Team All-GNAC honors after finishing fourth in the conference for block assists and sixth in total blocks. While his life on the court was going well, life off the court was starting to become harder.
After living on campus as a first-year student, Turner moved into an off-campus apartment his sophomore year with some of his teammates. Depression and anxiety started to set in when he struggled to separate his on the court and off the court time with his roommates.
A natural introvert, Turner became even more withdrawn and would hide in his room instead of spending time with his roommates. If Turner had a bad practice he would hold onto that frustration and take it home with him.
"There was one incident where I was really upset and I lashed out at someone that didn't deserve it," Turner admitted. "It was scary that I didn't have control over my anger and that's when I knew I had to see someone."
In February of his sophomore year, Turner went to the JWU counseling services office to get help. He continued to meet with a counselor throughout the spring and also met with a psychiatrist that prescribed medicine.
Over the summer Turner's mental health took another hit when he went through a breakup that sent him into a dark place. He started going for more intensive treatments and by working through his depression and anxiety, Turner's therapist was able to diagnose him with a disorder and that gave Turner a path towards getting better.
While Turner had found a path forward, the process of getting better was very time consuming. Multiple therapy sessions a week as well as academics left very little time for anything else, including volleyball. Coach Reslow was very accommodating, allowing Turner to miss a practice or come late if he had to attend a therapy session, but Turner knew he had to make the hard decision to not play his junior year.
"In December of my junior year I decided to not play," Turner added. "Reslow is really good about keeping in the loop with players. I was always very open with him and we had a dialog about what I was dealing with the entire time."
At first Turner's condition did not affect his classes, but even without volleyball he struggled academically towards the end of the winter term. He stopped going to class the last two weeks of the term, but email professors to let them know he was dealing with mental health problems. Turner returned for the spring term and took an easier course load so he could stay on track.
Even though he wasn't playing volleyball, Turner still had a connection to the team as he was living with teammate Matt McCarthy. With things starting to look up, he was ready to come back to the team. Over the summer, Turner talked to Reslow about returning for his senior year.
"I dealt with a lot of guilt for having left the team mid-season," Turner said. "I felt like I let the team down so it felt good to spend time with them and be back on the court. It was great to be back with the guys, I definitely missed it when I wasn't playing."
Coming back to the team wasn't without its struggles, but this time Turner had a way to manage his emotions. As part of his diagnosis, Turner began DBT therapy, which helps him be more aware of his emotions and communicate his problems to others.
"I try to keep myself in a good headspace throughout the day, especially for games," Turner noted. "Before I was getting in my head, and not in a good way, but now I can take a minute to focus on where I am versus worrying about the outcome that hasn't happened yet. Treatment allows me to communicate that to people and not make it worse on myself."
From a volleyball standpoint, it was almost as if Turner never left the team. This year he grabbed his second all-conference award by leading the GNAC at 1.04 blocks per set while also hitting .347 with 1.06 kills per set. Unfortunately, his senior year came to an abrupt halt on March 13 when Johnson & Wales and the GNAC canceled all contests because of the COVID-19 outbreak.
Four years ago Turner wasn't considering college and he's now one class shy of completing his degree in advertising, marketing & communications with a specialization in digital marketing. That class is only offered in the spring so he'll spend the fall working part-time jobs before finishing his coursework.
Turner knows therapy is a long-term endeavor for him, but it wouldn't have happened without taking that initial step to the JWU counseling center.
"People shouldn't be afraid to ask for help," Turner said. "It's there, you just have to look for it to find it. I went to the school counseling center and that set me on the right track. It's a big first step that people have to take."
